


Forever and Almost Always

by Lexilindale35



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 20:08:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3582282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke has lost someone close to her. She's grieving, but she knows one day they'll see each other soon.</p><p>A short scene I wrote and decided to play around with him being in Clarke's point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forever and Almost Always

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this story and I loved this scene after it was written. I had an idea to take it and make it into this piece through Clarke's eyes. Yes it's sad, but it makes you feel something. This is completely separate from my other story I promise! I hope you like it.

I don't remember much about the funeral. I remember crying, I cried and cried. I never knew a person could hold so many tears until I lost him. I cried for him and I cried for myself. And then there was the rain. It was comforting, I chose to believe he was crying with me. He was missing me just like I missed him.

I remember there were a lot of people. So many people loved Bellamy, it was amazing to see them all there together for one last goodbye. His sister let me sit between her and Wells, although his mother ignored me like she had before. I think she blamed me for his death. I didn’t blame her, because I knew this was my fault. He was gone because I had come into his life. I had brought that monster from my past along. If it hadn’t been for me, Bellamy would still be here.

It was hard to sit through the funeral. I could barely breath without him there with me. I leaned on Octavia and Jasper for support, because they were as close to Bellamy as I could get now. He was gone, he was never coming back. No matter how many times I heard it, or the thought crossed my mind, I couldn’t process that fact. I didn’t want to believe it was true, I wanted this all to be a dream and I would wake up to find him there waiting to chase the nightmares away like he always did.

I gave a speech. Some speech I can't even remember about how short our time was but how big our love was. It doesn't matter, nothing I say will bring him back. Crying won't bring him back, but I can't seem to stop. It’s worse at night, when I'm all alone and forced to remember he's gone forever. 

Wells had to pull me away from his grave. I stood there for a long time staring at the casket laying there in the dirt. I didn't believe he was inside, but he was. I couldn't leave him, it was too hard. But Wells became my rock and pulled me away. I owed a lot of my sanity to Octavia and Wells. They were the anchors that kept me from running from this pain.

Sometimes at night the guilt takes over. Because I know that if I had never come here, Bellamy wouldn't be gone. I never would've met him and he'd still be alive and well. But I wouldn't be changed, I wouldn't have loved someone so deeply that I will never forget him. I'm thankful for Bellamy, but that doesn't mean I okay with him being gone. I miss him more with every breath I take. I don't think I'll ever find someone else.

Wells tries to get me to talk about the pain, he knows I'm used to running. But I can't talk to him, I can't talk to anyone. It's easier to ignore the pain, because the only person I want to talk to his gone. The green eyed boy who took me under his wing after meeting me, is out of my life. It hits me like a knife, the pain fresh as it takes me over. Of course everyone tells me time will make it better.

But I don't want time to take away the pain. Because once the pain is gone, so is Bellamy. I can't lose him, I can't forget him. Because I found myself here in this place, and it's all because of him. I owe him so much more than I ever gave him. I didn't think our time together would be so short. But it was, and I wondered if he was okay with his choices, because I was more than okay with mine.

"We all miss him," Octavia said as I stood there looking at the gravestone with his name on it. There should've been more, it could've been bigger.

I sighed, “yeah I know," another tear slipped down my cheek, "I feel like this pain, the feeling of missing him will never go away. I can't breathe when it hits me again. I just, I want him back. I should've taken the bullet.”

Octavia shook her head, "we all knew the moment he met you that kid was gone. He was so head over heels for you it wasn't funny. You and I both know that he would've taken that bullet had he known it was his last act. He loved you, Clarke. Loves means sacrificing everything for another person.”

I let out a sob and I felt my knees get weak. I hated this, I hated missing him. I hated that he was gone. I wanted to be mad at him but I couldn't be, because he wasn't here to be angry with. He was dead, you aren't supposed to be angry at someone who died, "I feel so sad, and angry, and confused. I just miss him.”

Octavia pulled me into her side, and for a moment I thought she was Bellamy. She was so strong like he had been, so caring. She even smelled like her brother, "it's normal to be upset with the person we lost. It's okay to be angry. You have to process your grief. It's like all the smart people say. It's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all.”

I laughed, "I suppose," I said as her arm went around my waist. I came to see Bellamy every morning, but I didn't feel him here with me at his grave. No in the evenings when I went to the tree, that's where I knew he was watching over me.

Sometimes I think he's just gone and he's on his way back to me. I can hear him in the song on the radio, or feel him in the seat beside me. I remember his laughter, his smile. It's hard to forget him, because he made me a better person. He helped me find myself, and now I will never get to repay him for that.

Some days are harder than others, I know it's going to be like that for a while. But I hold onto the things Bellamy taught me, the smiles and laughter he brought into my life. If it hadn't been for him I would still be running, I would still be afraid. I have so much to live for, even if that means living without him. 

But I will always love him. 

Bellamy told me with his last breath not to be afraid. He made me brave, even when he let me go. I had to let him go, and I knew I could still be brave while I carried him in my heart. Because a love like ours was worth so much more than one lifetime.

He gave me my roots and no matter how hard they try, they can never take him away from me. Whenever I visit our tree, I know he's there with me. I'll carry him along with all the lessons he taught me. Bellamy Blake was and always with be the love of my life. He is the roots I planted. Nothing will change that, no matter how far I fly.  I finally have my roots and he'll always be my home. 

Because of him I can see now what it means to really live and love. I would lose him a thousand times over, if that was the only way I got to know him. Because he really is my angel, my saving grace, and now I hope he's watching over me. 

I remember every single moment with Bellamy, the ones that mattered and the ones that didn't seem important until they were gone. I can still feel the moment I fell in love with him. I can also feel the moment when he took my hand in his and I knew it would hurt when he let mine go. I still feel the kiss we shared when he was begging me to stay, his hands holding me tightly. And I will always remember the crooked smile he used whenever I was upset with him, his green eyes flashing as I gave into his charm. 

The memories play out behind my closed eyes like a movie scene. They make me smile as much as they make me cry. Because our love was deep and rich. It was a love that was fleeting and we cherished very second we got together. We never thought it would end as quickly as it began, but it did. He was torn away from me, and I would do it all over again if that meant I got to fall in love with him for a second time in this life.

Our story is not a tragedy. Losing Bellamy might hurt like hell, but I refuse to let our love story be defined as just another tragedy. No our story is more than that, because falling in love changed me. I experienced a love story that brought me through the wreckage that was once my life and into the home I had been searching for. I finally understood what it meant to open up to someone completely, and let them in, instead of running away.

Sometimes home isn't a place, it's the feeling of knowing you’ve found the person you want to spend you life with. It's the memories you carry with you when they're gone. 

Our story was everything but a tragedy. Because Bellamy will always be with me, I can feel him in my heart. 

I wrap my arms around myself the way he used to and look down at my hands. As I press them against my stomach, I smile. I carry a piece of him with me. He showed me how to love, and I know because of him I'll love again.

 


End file.
